Chapter Eighty-Nine
He was covered with a fine sheen of sweat as he tossed and turned in his bed. It was only 5PM, but Lucky had been sleeping off and on for most of the day, a result of physical and emotional exhaustion from his ordeal with drugs and violence. He started mumbling and moaning in a dream where he seemed to be having a tense confrontation with one or more persons. He gasped and pulled at his scrub outfit as if he couldn't breathe, and inadvertently, he tugged out his IV. A trickle of blood formed thickly at the torn site and ran down his forearm.
Lucky jerked awake from the pain, and when he looked down, he saw the blood moving on his arm. Flashes of his suicide attempt leaped into his brain, catching him off guard with snapshots of a flashing knife, a jagged cutting motion, and a small stream of blood starting to pool. Filled with adrenaline and fear, he screamed loudly and jumped out of his bed. His sprained ankle sang out with a fierce pain, and he stumbled to his knees. Mindless with the confusion of dream-filled sleep, memories and pain, he scooted hurriedly into a corner, and huddled with his knees drawn up and arms covering his head, instinctively trying to protect himself from whatever was harming him.
Two orderlies, who were stationed nearby, stepped into the room to check out the situation when they heard Lucky's scream. One orderly saw the unattached IV and drips of blood on the white sheets, and called out to the other.
"There he is," said Rick. "You'd better go find Barb." Rick walked toward Lucky and said calmly, "What's the matter? Why are you out of bed and on the floor?"
Lucky ignored him and cried as he kept his arms tightly guarding his head, the blood smearing wetly on his tousled brown hair.
"Hey, buddy," Rick said gently. "Let me help you."
Barb walked hurriedly into the room and witnessed Lucky screaming and flailing wildly when Rick tried to touch his shoulder. She motioned to Rick to join her away from Lucky. "What happened?" she asked softly.
Rick shrugged. "We heard him scream, came into the room and found him like this in the corner. He won't respond."
Barb knelt a small distance away from Lucky. "Lucky," she said. "It's Barb. Can you tell me what's going on?" Lucky ignored her voice and started to rock back and forth as he sobbed and wailed. He reached out a searching hand and trailed it along the wall, lifting his head and screaming especially loud as he scooted away from something only he could see.
Barb stood up. "He's allowed to have sedatives now, but first I'm going to call Kevin if he's still in the building. He might want to see this. Stay nearby. Leave him alone if he doesn't harm himself."
By this time, the torn IV site was starting to congeal, but the long smears on Lucky's forearm made it look like there was a lot more blood than there actually was. Lucky held out his left arm and stared down, wailing continuously as he became progressively more overloaded from a flood of released memory. The emotions that he'd felt on the night he cut his wrist gripped him in a unrelenting vise of pain and anguish that bore down on him tighter and tighter as he relived that torment. He could sense the iron thick smell of copious, fresh blood and feel its warm, sticky wetness surrounding him. He could see the crazy splatters alternating with deep pools of red and sense his life draining away from him. He held his left arm out rigidly as if it were lying on the counter of the GH restroom, and his blank eyes saw only the room full of blood, not the beige textured wallpaper that was really in front of him. His shaking right hand curled around an invisible object, held at a distance from his left arm.
By the time Kevin came running into the room, Lucky was trembling with the shock of it, cold and extremely pale. Kevin knelt by him, and tried to make a connection with the boy by speaking to him logically and gently, pausing to wrap an arm around Lucky. By this time, Lucky was no longer aware of his surroundings or Kevin's presence, enmeshed instead by the embedded memories that seized his brain. His face was devoid of emotion as his right hand made cutting motions toward his left arm.
"Lucky, this isn't happening now," stated Kevin. "You're in your room in General Hospital, not the restroom. Nothing bad will happen to you here, nothing is wrong. Pull yourself away from your memories. Come back to the present." Kevin's face reflected his frustration and concern when he wasn't able to help Lucky out of his flashback.
Lucky hung his head and made despairing sounds, but he suddenly stopped vocalizing and grew silent. Kevin caught him as Lucky fell over onto his side, his eyes now closed. Kevin noticed how cold he felt and stood up hurriedly. "Bring a blanket over here," he directed Rick. Kevin folded the blanket that Rick offered around Lucky's shivering form. "Lift his legs up about 18 inches," stated Kevin. "Keep his legs elevated above his heart."
Kevin stood and walked over to Barb and ordered a sedative. "He's mentally and physically exhausted. He needs to sleep without interruption or dreams. This sedative should keep him out for the next twelve hours." Barb nodded and went to get the medication.
Kevin walked back over to Lucky. Some color was returning the boy's face. "Help me to carry him over to the bed," directed Kevin. Kevin placed the blanket back over Lucky and noticed that Lucky's face remained expressionless. Damn, thought Kevin. He must have been dreaming about his mother again and connected that with his suicide attempt. This saves us weeks of therapy, but I don't like how stressful this experience has been for him.
~*~*~*~
6:00PM
"How's he doing?" asked Tony conversationally when he saw Barb at the nurse's station. "I thought I'd visit him before I go home."
Barb looked up from her paperwork and gave Tony a smile. "He's holding his own," she stated. "He's been too ill to be up out of bed today. The drugs are still wreaking some havoc in his system, and he has a sprained ankle, which will make him less mobile for awhile."
Tony nodded as he absorbed the information. "How is he mentally?" he asked carefully, holding his breath while he waited for an answer.
Tony's heart skipped a beat when he saw Barb's face tighten. "Lucky is depressed right now," she explained. "Kevin believes that he should start feeling better once he achieves a therapeutic level of his antidepressant again. But for now, he's pretty sad. He's been sleeping most of the day." Barb hesitated as she searched for the right way to tell Tony what had happened an hour earlier. "Lucky had a bad dream about an hour ago. Kevin thinks he might have been dreaming about his mother again. He's had some problems with that for some time. But for some reason, he became especially agitated and inadvertently pulled out his IV. It bled some down his arm. We think he woke up and began having a flashback when he saw the blood on his left arm. He began screaming, and an orderly found him huddled in a corner. I couldn't get him to talk to me, so we sent for Kevin. Apparently, he relived his suicide attempt. He'd had amnesia for that event before, you remember? But, it caused him quite a strain. Kevin ordered him sedated for the evening so he could get the rest he needs to recover."
Tony's face looked strained. "He has a hard time catching a break, doesn't he?" he asked softly.
Barb nodded sadly. "Yes, he does. He did have a breakthrough, but it took its toll on him. It's hard."
"Can I go back and sit with him for a minute?" asked Tony. Barb nodded and walked with Tony back to the room.
~*~*~*~
Tony sat in silence beside Lucky's bed and watched him sleep. Lucky was lying on his side with his left arm extended out where it was placed so that his IV could be reconnected. Tony lightly picked up Lucky's left hand and held it in his own. He looked at the crisscrossed maze of scar tissue lining his nephew's wrist and arm. He squeezed his hand and continued to hold it. Lucky's face was relaxed and impassive with the effects of his heavy sedation. He looked more at peace than Tony had remembered for a long while. His bangs hung over his eyes, and Tony brushed them away without the boy flinching or rearing back.
"Your birthday is in two days, kiddo," commented Tony. "Are you looking forward to it?" Tony studied Lucky's face. "Are you looking forward to anything? What can we do to help you? Is there anything we can do?"
Tony shifted in his chair and continued to hold Lucky's hand. "I miss you and want you to come home to live with us - permanently. Am I allowed to say that? Am I allowed to hope that you'll get better, that you'll make a full recovery? Because I want you to. I want my nephew back."
Tony squeezed and patted Lucky's hand and then gently lay it back on the bed. He rose from his chair and kissed Lucky on the forehead. "I love you, Lucky. I want the best for you. Please try to get better."
Tony coughed away a few tears and headed for the door. He paused at the doorway to look back at the sleeping boy, and then left the room.
~*~*~*~
Tony and Bobbie lay in bed together, cuddled up and talking. "Kevin says that Lucky needs to reestablish closer ties with his family. He's been cut off from Lulu and Lucas, and it's time to get those bonds back. I think I'll start visiting him everyday on my lunch hour and help him to write letters. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't know what to say to Lulu anymore, that he feels cut off from her life. That's so sad, Tony. They need each other."
Tony sighed. "Yes, they do. You've been a great resource in trying to bring them together. What does Lulu say about Lucky these days?"
Bobbie gave Tony a half-hearted smile. "She's only six years old, Tony. It's hard for her to maintain a relationship with someone she doesn't see and barely talks to. It's like a grandparent who lives in Florida. You know it's your grandma, you write her letters, but the feeling isn't as strong because you never see her. Does that make any sense? She's bonded quite strongly with Nikolas, which is good - for both of them. But, she needs to reestablish a relationship with Lucky."
Tony rose up on his elbows. "What about Laura, her mother? I've never heard Lulu talk about her. What's going on with that?"
"Sometimes Lulu opens up to me when no one else is around," stated Bobbie. "I'm happy that she feels comfortable to do that. She says that she misses her mom. She misses having mommy, daddy and her brother all living together, but you know what? She told me that she'd rather live with us, that she's happier. Apparently, things were tense and unhappy for quite some time at her house. Luke fell apart for the year that Lucky was missing - drinking too much and passing out on the sofa half the time, and then everything blew up when the boy returned. And, Lulu knows that her mommy was spending too much time with Uncle Stefan. She said it made her Daddy mad." Bobbie chuckled. "Can you imagine that? Uncle Stefan is what Laura insisted that Lulu call the man who visited their house when Daddy was gone. Oh boy, I can't wait until her teenage years when she figures out what all that was about." Bobbie shook her head. "Just between the two of us, I think Stefan is why Laura was so mean to Lucky when he returned. He got in the way of that relationship since he was old enough to know what was going on. She couldn't fool him the way she could a small girl."
Tony frowned. "It's weird the way that Laura basically began pulling the same thing with Lulu that she did with Lucky when he was her age. Only, fortunately for Lulu, the process was stopped before any permanent harm was done. But no one was there for Lucky - no one knew. Everyone either ignored the situation or hid it too well. In a way, Lucky is still hiding everything. He experiences some difficulties and he just clams up tightly. I wish he could break that - it's so harmful for him. Bobbie, he's going to be nineteen years old in two days. I'm not sure he even remembers or cares if it's his birthday. I sat with him in the hospital for a few minutes today. He doesn't look a day over sixteen. He seems younger - both in the way he looks and acts."
Bobbie nodded with agreement. "He does have that baby face," she laughed. "And he looks younger with his hair cut short. But, don't you remember Kevin telling us that Lucky was really about fifteen or sixteen years old emotionally and mentally because of what happened to him with Faison? His development was arrested because of that entire trauma. So, it's especially hard for him now because he has to play catch-up as well as try to heal. It's a big stress."
Tony chuckled. "He's working real hard to play catch-up," he commented wryly. Bobbie's face reflected her confusion. "What are you talking about?" she asked.
"Lucky was living with a girl when we found him. He had a big ole box of Trojans along with a box of chocolates for his girl."
Bobbie laughed. "What? I thought he was with Emily."
"That's what we all thought. I think Lucky forgot about all that when he was on the streets. It's like he becomes a different person when he's out rambling around on his own. He's aimless and not nearly as responsible. At least he remembered safe sex. I've met this girl before, you know."
Bobbie's eyebrows raised. "And?" she asked curiously.
Tony sighed and patted her hand. "She's a teenaged prostitute. Taggert and I caught up with her when Lucky was homeless last fall. Lucky had tried to shoot her with his gun when she touched him the wrong way. You remember me telling you about that? Well, they hooked up again, no pun intended, and started a hot romance. But, the girl was caught streetwalking and hauled off to Juvy. Lucky will never see her again. Of course, that might be for the best since his relationship with her was technically statutory rape. Lucky is eighteen, and that girl didn't look a day over fourteen or fifteen when I saw her."
"Tony, that's so sad," replied Bobbie as her eyes filled with tears. "Why can't the Spencers ever break away from the past? I was a teenaged hooker and here he starts a relationship with one."
Tony pulled Bobbie into a hug. "I think all families are like that to some extent - stuck in the past. Hopefully, someone can step in and help change things."
Tony sat up and glanced at Bobbie. "You know, I've talked several times to that pastor of the church that Lucky and I have been attending. He's a down to earth guy. He's helped put a lot of this into perspective for me. Gives me hope that it can work out. I'm going to ask Kevin tomorrow if it's okay for Lucky to meet with him occasionally. Lucky is really drifting right now. I think he could use some spiritual guidance as well as psychotherapy. What do you think?"
"It seems like a good idea," agreed Bobbie. "The therapy does help him, but he still seems so lost. Maybe if he has more hope he can get better sooner."
~*~*~*~
Next Day…
Nikolas had called the nurse's station earlier to check on Lucky and see if he were up for company. Originally, he'd planned to bring Lucky breakfast and share some bagels and coffee with him before starting his work day, but the nurse had mentioned that Lucky was ill - he'd thrown up his breakfast earlier. Nikolas waited until late morning and took a break from his hectic day. He was nervous. Lucky had been so incoherent the last time he spoke with him on the phone, and Tony had given him some of the details of Lucky's forced return to the locked psychiatric unit. He wondered if Lucky even wanted to talk to him. It seemed like he couldn't say anything that wouldn't upset Lucky. The subject of their parents was increasingly becoming taboo, and even discussions about Lulu seemed to make him unhappy. Nikolas shrugged to himself as he walked down the hallway toward Lucky's room. The brotherly bond that the two had so carefully forged must still be there. Lucky did call him after all when he was in trouble and needed someone to talk to. So maybe just keeping him company for a few minutes is all that Lucky required of him right now.
Nikolas paused in the doorway and stuck his head in. Lucky was lying in bed, turned away from the door and apparently asleep. Nikolas tiptoed in with his white paper bag and located a chair that he pulled quietly to the bedside. Lucky sighed and turned over onto his back with his eyes still closed. Nikolas watched his brother's regular breathing for several minutes. He smiled to himself as his heart filled with affection for this younger brother of his. Nikolas had been an only child for the majority of his life and had been very jealous of Lucky at first when he learned about him, but now he was glad to have this extra bond in his life. And, he certainly wasn't jealous of Lucky's relationship with their mother anymore - that's for sure. Their mother had hurt Lucky terribly - maybe even fatally. Nikolas frowned as he thought about the abuse and rejection that marred Lucky's life. His breath caught in his lungs, frozen and unable to exhale. Nikolas had never seen Lucky's wounds up close, and now here was his arm, laid out and exposed. Nikolas had imagined that the cut had been neat and clean, that only a thin line would show on his brother's arm. He wasn't prepared for the severe, ravaged looking scars that the arm held. Nikolas' eyes filled with tears as he realized how desperate Lucky must have been to do this to himself. And, now he'd been homeless again, back to taking the drugs that were killing him. Maybe there was no way that Nikolas could ever understand his brother's devastation. All he could do is show him that he loved him and be there for him.
Nikolas felt the coldness of the bag that he held and decided it was time to wake up his brother. "Lucky," he said gently. "Hey, brother," he said quietly when Lucky's eyes fluttered open and he scowled with a confused look. Lucky's eyes opened wider, and he said hoarsely, "Nikolas?"
"Yes, it's Nikolas. You'd better wake up if you want what I brought you."
Lucky pushed his pillows back against his headboard and almost reluctantly sat up. He made a half-hearted attempt to smooth out his hair and stifled a yawn. Lucky regarded his older brother's face and smiled. He's good-looking, Lucky thought. I never noticed before. No wonder the girls are always hanging all over him. Rich and good-looking. Lucky laughed out loud and startled Nikolas.
"What's so funny?" asked Nikolas.
"Aw, nothing," stated Lucky. "Just a weird thought came to me. What did you bring?" Lucky asked expectantly as he pointed at the white bag in Nikolas' hands.
Nikolas reached into the bag and pulled out a drink container with a straw. He handed one to Lucky and kept one for himself. "What's this?"
Nikolas pointed to the container. "Take a sip and find out yourself."
Lucky took a sip and broke out into a grin. "Chocolate milkshake," he announced. "Thanks Nikolas. This is a nice surprise. I haven't had one of these in a couple of years." Lucky remembered feeling guilty about overwhelming Nikolas with his problems and asked respectfully, "How are you, Nikolas? What's going on with you?"
Nikolas leaned back in his chair and laughed as he ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm getting my butt kicked with this hospital administration. I had no idea how good Stefan was at business. I have a lot to learn. I may need to either pick up an MBA or finally hire someone to assist me with this."
"But do you like it?" Lucky asked. "Does it make you happy?"
Nikolas laughed bitterly. "I'm not used to thinking about things in terms of whether or not they make me happy. Duty and honor were Stefan's mottoes."
"But you're your own man now," protested Lucky. "You can have your own ideas about things, right?"
Nikolas nodded as he sipped more of his milkshake. "You make a good point there, brother. There are different paths one can take to reach the same destination."
Lucky snorted. "Oh, you're so deep, Nikolas. But it's good. People need to think about things, realize what they're doing and how it affects other people. I've been pretty bad in that department. I'm sorry if I hurt you by what I've said or done." Lucky's cheeks flamed with his shame and the memories of his indiscretions.
"No one's perfect," replied Nikolas. "We're all learning, and we move on. That's the point, isn't it? Moving on and doing better next time?"
"You sound like my dad," commented Lucky. "Only the way he puts it is 'getting back in the saddle.' Dad is a frustrated cowboy. He should have done the rodeo circuit."
Nikolas nodded and chuckled. He was enjoying himself. This relationship with his brother might work after all.
Lucky placed his hand over his stomach. He grinned. "My stomach feels cold. This is the first food I've kept down in almost a week. Thanks for bringing it. That was a great idea. Chocolate milkshakes should be a new food group - recommended that you have at least one or two servings a day!"
~*~*~*~
Lucky was sitting in a wheelchair in front of a table, slumped over and not looking very cooperative.
"I'm here for my entire lunch hour, so you might as well get started writing your letters," stated Bobbie with firmness. "Kevin said he wanted you to maintain closer relationships with your family and friends, so I've volunteered to help you write some letters and deliver them."
Lucky sighed and picked up a marker. He reached for a fresh sheet of paper and stared at it for minutes with a blank look on his face. He disgustedly pushed away the paper and declared, "I don't have anything to say. I don't do anything, what's there to tell?"
Bobbie frowned. "Make something up," she retorted as she pushed the paper back toward Lucky. "Write your first letter to Lulu. She's misses her brother. Let's see, what is she into these days? Oh yes! She has this major infatuation with horses right now. She had her first horse ride with friends from school a few weeks ago, and that's all she's been talking about."
"Horses," said Lucky unhappily. He shook his head and picked up a black marker. He wrote:
~*~
Dear Lulu.
Hi. It's your brother Lucky. Aunt Bobbie says that you like horses a lot. What do you like about them? They are so big - you're not scared of them? I rode horses when I was about ten years old. I remember they ran so fast that I had to hang onto the saddle horn for dear life so I wouldn't fall off. Maybe you're braver than your big brother.
Here's a picture of Elmer the horse.
~*~
Lucky was concentrating hard, holding the marker firmly and sticking his tongue out slightly as he frowned. He moved the marker in different directions. Bobbie looked over at him curiously. "What have you got there?" she asked. Lucky turned the sheet of paper around so his aunt could see it. Bobbie didn't know if she could laugh without offending the boy.
"Don't worry. I know I suck as an artist," he exclaimed. Lucky pointed at the drawing. "That's Elmer," he announced. "Elmer the horse."
"Are you sure he's not Elmer the dog?" asked Bobbie with dancing eyes. "Because his legs are rather short."
"Underfed," Lucky said flatly. "Comes from a long line of midget horses." Lucky pulled the paper back toward him and began marking on it again.
~*~
Elmer says hi. No, I am not a dog even though Aunt Bobbie gets confused. I don't remember if horses have whiskers, but Elmer does.
Bye.
Your brother,
Lucky
~*~
Lucky drew a makeshift saddle on Elmer and placed a heart on the side of it. He drew a balloon near Elmer's mouth and printed, "Hehehe."
Lucky pushed the paper over to Bobbie and lay his head down on his crossed arms. He sighed when Bobbie said, "Next letter is to Emily. Let's go, buster. No lying down on the job."
~*~
Dear Emily,
I was a bad boy again, so I haven't had phone privileges for awhile.
Do you want my heart? You can have it. Here it is - a big bloody lump of flesh. Splat. I cut it out and placed it into the envelope.
Go find yourself someone who can be a real boyfriend to you. Someone who is there for you everyday. Someone to take you to the movies and make you feel happy. Someone who won't cheat on you.
Un-Lucky
~*~
Lucky drew a heart and filled it with about ten arrows dripping blood. "Here," he said in a low, mean tone of voice. He wheeled away his wheelchair and faced the wall away from his aunt.
Bobbie looked down at the letter and felt sick to her stomach. She glanced over at Lucky who remained stiffly turned away. She walked over to the wheelchair and knelt beside it. "I don't think it would make Emily feel good to receive something like this, Lucky," she said softly. "What's wrong? Talk to me."
Lucky's face set. He turned his face away from Bobbie and refused to talk.
"Come on Lucky," said Bobbie. "How many times have I been married? I've even lost count myself. You don't think I've ever had man-woman problems? I've learned a lot from my mistakes. I bet I can help you."
Lucky's eyes filled with tears, and he clenched his teeth. "I cheated on her when I left the hospital. I slept with another girl - a lot." Lucky bent his head down and drew in a deep, ragged breath. "Elizabeth and I promised we'd love each other forever. Well, forget that. Emily and I said we gave each other our hearts. I stomped on both of them. I don't deserve to be loved." Lucky's lips quivered with his deep sadness, and several tears rolled down his cheeks. Bobbie drew him into a hug and held him for several minutes.
"Lucky, I don't condone what you did. But you've learned now that you're a loyal person and that it hurts you to cheat on another person. I'm sure you won't do it again. Why don't you forgive yourself? Don't be so hard on yourself that you refuse someone's love. If you can't forgive yourself, how can you forgive other people? Let it go, honey. For your own sake. Now let's go back to the table and write Emily a letter that tells her how you really feel about her."
Lucky shrugged, wiped away his tears and returned to the table. "You're a taskmaster," he mumbled sullenly.
"That's right," agreed Bobbie with twinkling eyes. "And don't you forget it."
Lucky selected a fresh sheet of paper, and opened his marker again.
~*~
Dear Emily,
You haven't heard from me in about two weeks because some things happened. I left the hospital before I should have and wandered around Cortland Street again. I need to talk to you about some stuff, but I want to wait until I see you.
What can I say? I love you. I miss you. I want to be with you. It's so hard for me to keep on the straight and narrow and do what they tell me to do. I'm having a hard time, and I feel depressed like I'm not getting better. I don't want to drag you down, but you should know where I'm at these days. I'm back on the locked unit for one - after they found me and dragged me back here. But, I'm grateful to have people looking out for me, that people still care.
I feel like I owe you a hundred letters. You've spent so much time all alone. It's not fair for you to suffer because of me and my problems. I want you to be happy. I guess I want to be happy, too. Maybe I should work harder at it?
Please make sure you're having fun and enjoying your life. It makes me feel better to think you are doing well.
I love you.
Lucky
~*~
"How's that?" he asked Bobbie as he turned the paper around. Bobbie quickly read the note and gave Lucky a smile. "I approve," she said. "You're being honest about your feelings. That's good. This is a letter that will be good for Emily to read."
.