Devolution TOC

Chapter Ninety-One

8:00AM

Lucky was awake. He'd been up since 6:00AM when they'd changed him into a gown, removed his NG tube, took some chest x-rays and changed his IV's. The medical personnel had been kind to him, chatting amiably as they went about their duties, but he remained silent and withdrawn - too tired physically and mentally to deal with a two-sided conversation.

When Kevin came in first thing upon his arrival to the hospital, Lucky was staring into space, secure in his separate emotional cocoon. Kevin called his name three times before Lucky responded to his voice. Lucky was lying on his back with his left arm laid out carefully away from his body so that he wouldn't disturb the multiple IV's placed in his veins. When he heard his name, he turned his head in the direction of the sound, his expression remaining blank yet haggard at the sight of Kevin. His eyes met Kevin's briefly, then drifted down to the bottom of the cardiac monitor beside his bed, his vision seemingly caught on the black and metal surfaces. His eyes took on a glassy, distant appearance, devoid of thought and emotion. Kevin felt his heart drop at the sight of his patient, and he pulled up a chair.

"Lucky, how are you feeling this morning? Were you able to sleep last night?" Kevin asked.

Lucky didn't move or alter the direction of his gaze. His mouth opened and spoke almost as if it were disembodied, apart from his mind and body. "I slept," he said. "I feel strange, like I'm not here. I went away, but my body got left behind."

"Why did you try to hurt yourself last night?" Kevin prodded.

Lucky's face set in an angry expression. "You should have let me die. It's the best option for everybody. I don't want to be here anymore. Let me go. I'm so tired." Lucky closed his eyes.

"There are a lot of people in your life that want you here," stated Kevin. "You have family and friends, and even the people at the hospital like me and Barb. We want you to get better and be happy. Won't you try - for us as well as yourself?"

"Lucky shook his head and placed his hand over his face. "You don't know me. All of you think you do, but you don't. I don't care anymore. Nothing is real. My life is worth nothing to me, and I'm no good to anyone. I want to die. Can't you see that?"

"What I see is a young man who is very depressed and who needs help so he can get his life back in order. I see a young man who is very capable and loving and who is needed in this world," countered Kevin. "Lucky, I've talked to your uncle, and he's agreed to giving you another schedule of ECT sessions to alleviate your depression. Do you have an opinion about that?"

Lucky turned his head away, and held his right arm over his face. "Do what you want," he said with resignation. "I can't stop you anyway. I don't care. Fry my brains, kill me, beat me, torture me. It's all the same to me. I always come back from the dead whether I want to or not."

~*~*~*~

Kevin leaned on the counter of the 7th floor nurse's station. "You've heard about Lucky's Spencer's suicide attempt last night?" he asked Barb. Barb's face looked worried, and her eyes looked sad. "Yes. I heard when I came in this morning. This really hurts my heart. I was hoping he'd start feeling more confident and hopeful."

"He'll be back up here this afternoon," stated Kevin. "I'd appreciate it if you'd meet with all the staff to let them know that this patient is to be kept in sight at all times. No one is to let him out of sight for even a few seconds. I have no doubt that he'll try it again if he can find a way. We need to make sure that he's safe and remove all avenues of harming himself. He was very ingenious and determined last night, and I don't want that to happen again. He's on an ECT schedule starting two days from now if his physician gives him a clean bill of health. He's scheduled for three sessions." Kevin tapped on Lucky's folder. "And I want his activities to be charted with excruciating detail. He may be determined, but I'm more determined to save him. He's going to leave this hospital whole and healthy."

~*~*~*~

9:30AM

Emily Quartermaine walked through the hallways of General Hospital with a sense of purpose and a wary eye open for either of her parents. When she woke up that morning, she immediately remembered that it was Lucky's birthday. Those types of occasions were important to her, and she'd asked him his birth date soon after they'd started dating. She was eighteen years old now, an adult, and she decided that there was no way anyone could prevent her from seeing Lucky - not anymore. Her grandfather had mostly remained silent on the issue out of respect for Emily and uncertainty over how his granddaughter felt about the long, continual absence of Lucky from her life. But her parents frequently mentioned that she should be more open to new boys and new experiences. Yeah, how would they like it if I went out and got pregnant on a "new experience," she thought bitterly.

Emily was a little confused. She originally went up to the seventh floor psychiatric wing, but they said that Lucky wasn't there - he was in the ICU downstairs. Bobbie had given her Lucky's letter only two days ago, and he mentioned that he was on the seventh floor again. Emily felt sick to her stomach with worry, and her heart skipped a few beats from anxiety. Is he sick? she wondered. Why is he in the ICU?

When Emily reached the ICU area, they said that he had no visitor restrictions listed, and she could visit with him in ICU 5. The nurse pointed toward the left side of the hallway. Emily followed her directions and gripped his gift in her hand. It was a little silly, but she hoped he'd see the humor in it. She could give him a nicer present once he finally left the hospital. Lucky's letter had concerned her because he sounded depressed to her. That's when Emily started thinking that she needed to visit him in person. This second hand information passed on to her was growing old. She needed to see him herself.

Emily paused outside of the ICU 5 and took in a deep breath. She quietly entered the room and frowned when she saw the scene before her. There was a nurse or medical person sitting in a chair next to his bed, not doing anything but watching over him it seemed. Emily took in the monitors, oxygen apparatus and other medical devices attached to her boyfriend. His oxygen mask had been removed, and now he wore a nasal cannula looped under his nose. She walked hesitantly to his bed. The nurse nodded and smiled at her, and Emily gave her a feeble smile in return.

Emily looked down at Lucky who was making difficult noises as he breathed. His face appeared very tired and distressed, and it hurt Emily's heart to see him in such a state. She noted the IV's and wondered what was wrong with him. She lightly stroked his hair and ran a finger over his cheek. "Lucky you still look so thin," she whispered sadly. "What's the matter?" Emily stepped over to the nurse. "How is he?" she asked softly. "Is he going to be alright?"

The nurse nodded. "He survived and made it through the night," she stated matter-of-factly. "That's a good sign unless he experiences some more respiratory distress as a complication, but let's hope for the best." Emily's mouth hung open. "A complication of what?" she asked slowly with confusion.

"His near drowning," replied the nurse. "From his suicide attempt last night."

A wave of pain and shock washed over Emily. She quickly walked back to Lucky and took his hand. Her eyes filled with tears. "Lucky," she said. "Lucky, wake up. Talk to me."

Lucky moved a little and grimaced as he coughed and opened his eyes. He looked at Emily, but didn't act like he recognized her. Lucky coughed again and turned his head to the side. "Emily," he said hoarsely.

Emily smiled between her tears. "Happy birthday, Lucky!" she said happily. "I decided to come visit you - today's too special. You can't keep me away." She bent over and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Lucky looked stunned and confused. He tried to smile, but only accomplished a slight flickering of his muscles near his mouth.

Emily took the stuffed bear that she'd bought him for a gift and placed it gently under his right arm and hand. "He's for you!" she said. "He'll give you good luck." Lucky's eyes shifted down to the soft, chocolate brown, plush teddy bear. "Thank you," he said slowly. Emily ran her hand over Lucky's hair again, and Lucky closed his eyes in response. He fluttered his eyelids, trying to keep them open, but he was losing the battle to stay awake. His eyes remained closed, and he said, "I'm tired." Emily kissed him on the forehead and replied, "I'll let you sleep then. I love you, Lucky." Lucky's lips moved, but no words came out.

Emily looked at Lucky for a minute longer, her lips quivering with emotion, and her eyes sad. A solitary tear escaped from her eye and rolled down her cheek, smearing her mascara along the way. She turned and walked out of the room, picking up the pace of her steps until she started running down the hall and past the ICU nurse's desk, finally stopping in the nearby waiting area, plopping into a large chair and sobbing quietly. She drew her feet up on the chair and laid her forehead on her knees. After several minutes, she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she raised her head to look up at the concerned face of Tony Jones. "Tony," she said soggily as she wiped away her tears.

Tony sat in the chair beside her. "Emily, what are you doing here? What's wrong?" he asked.

"I saw him," Emily said. "I saw Lucky in that ICU room. The nurse told me he tried to commit suicide last night. I came by to bring him a birthday present." The tears started pooling in her eyes again, and Tony reached for her hand, squeezing it.

"Emily, I'm sorry you had a shock like that. But Lucky is going to make it through this and recover. Don't give up hope."

Emily sniffed and looked down at the floor. "Tony, why would he want to hurt himself?" she asked sadly. "An awful lot of people love him and want him in their lives."

Tony nodded. "That's true, Emily. Lucky has a lot of loved ones who want the best for him. But it's not about us, you understand - you or me, Bobbie or anyone else. Lucky has to learn to change how he feels about himself and how to cope with his life. That's his responsibility. Our responsibility is to be there for him when we can and offer him our love and support."

"But, Tony! I never know what's going on. He could be dead or alive at any minute for all I know." Emily paused to take in a deep breath and wipe her cheeks with a restless hand. "Bobbie tells me things, but I feel like she's holding back all the time."

Tony smiled and nodded as he patted her hand. "That's Bobbie," he admitted. "She does the same thing to Luke, so you're in good company. Luke's been complaining about it, too. Bobbie means well - she's trying to protect you. She doesn't want you to be upset. She thinks she should carry most of the burden to help others out, and that's not good for her either." Tony laid his other hand on top of Emily's. "I'll tell you what," he said kindly. "I'll try my best to bring you up to date on Lucky's condition, and I'll answer any questions that you have. How's that?"

Emily's face brightened, and she laughed out of relief. She hopped out of her chair and gave Tony a spontaneous hug. "Oh, thank you!" she said happily. "Thanks, Tony."

Tony laughed and patted her on the back. "Here's the scoop. Lucky was doing fine, you remember that weekend he called you?"

Emily sat down in her chair and nodded seriously.

"Back at the hospital, two things happened. One, he had a serious seizure, and it kind of knocked out his ability to think clearly. And then he was upset by a visit from his Aunt Amy. She tried to force some issues concerning his mother, and he couldn't deal with it then. So, he rather impulsively decided to walk away from the hospital. Once he was on the outside, he started working at a fast food job, but his problems caught up with him. He wasn't ready to be on his own yet. He started taking drugs again to give him some relief and take the edge off. Unfortunately, he can't control his use of alcohol or drugs, and it got out of hand quickly. My friend Marcus Taggert and I found him, but by then he'd taken some bad drugs that a dealer had given him and had a very bad reaction to them. So we took him back to the hospital, but he's been very depressed since then. It's hard to say why exactly. It's probably a combination of issues - he has a biochemical imbalance, which is physical, and he is still trying to deal with his mother's abandonment and his own guilt over his recent behavior. Sometimes, when a person feels that bad they can't see beyond their pain and that's why they try to commit suicide - to take away the pain."

Tony paused and released Emily's hand, then leaned back in his chair and crossed his leg. His face took on a determined look. "We're not giving up on him, Emily," he stated. "Lucky will start on a maintenance course of ECT treatments. You remember when he had those before when he was catatonic?"

Emily nodded.

"Sometimes, it's necessary to do a follow-up," Tony continued. "These treatments should break his depression so he can think more clearly and work out the rest of his problems."

"But, Tony, when can he come home? He's been gone for so long."

"I believe that Lucky needs to leave the hospital environment soon. I'm going to talk to Kevin about some other options. When a decision is made, I'll let you know. Okay?"

Emily smiled. "Okay." She frowned and pinched her lower lip as she thought. "Tony? I want to visit Lucky while he's here. Can you help me with that?"

Tony smiled. "I'll talk to Kevin and let him know."

~*~*~*~

10:30AM

His eyes were open, but he was too tired to move them. They stared at one place on the ceiling where the one tile slightly separated from an adjacent one. He kept registering that something was off with the otherwise smooth symmetry, but couldn't concentrate enough to figure out what the problem was. He felt unreal, like he wasn't supposed to be there. His body felt heavy and separate from him, a hindrance held down by gravity. He felt the gentle pressure of something under his right arm, and occasionally he'd tighten the muscular tension on his hand to grip and stroke its plush softness.

~*~*~*~

12:15PM

"Let's sit you up so you can drink this," the nurse said cheerfully as she adjusted his bed to a more comfortable sitting position. The nurse put a straw in the nutrition drink and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You need to drink now," she said. Lucky stared straight ahead like he didn't hear her, so she placed the straw to his lips and patted his cheek. "Come on," she encouraged. Lucky sipped the drink and managed to get it all down with lots of cajoling and praise. He sighed and closed his eyes as if he were exhausted by his efforts.

~*~*~*~

3:30PM

There was a flurry of activity around him, and he frowned and darted his eyes around in confusion. Hands removed the leads to his monitors, and a gurney was brought in next to his bed. "He's going to the seventh floor psychiatric wing - locked ward," a female voice said. A wave of uneasiness rolled through his stomach, and Lucky closed his eyes as the objects in his vision moved swiftly with his removal from the bed and transfer to the gurney. His teddy bear birthday gift dragged across the surface of the bed and promptly fell onto the hard floor. He felt the loss of the soft object and patted his hand around frantically. He sat up and reached over to the bed, trying to get back into it and search for his gift, but the orderly said, "Whoa, lay back down," and gently pushed him back. The nurse saw the bear on the floor and bent to retrieve it. She tucked it under Lucky's arm, and the other orderly laughed, "We're going to the seventh floor - that's precious cargo." The other orderly gave him a dirty look and said "Shut up." The nurse patiently explained to Lucky where he was going, but he wasn't listening to anything but the insistent beating of his heart.

~*~*~*~

5:00PM

Lucky had been in his bed in a new room on the locked ward for over an hour. Staff hadn't spoken to him much so that he could reorient himself to his new surroundings. He was placed in a room on the other side of the ward so he wouldn't be reminded of the specific room where he had attempted suicide. This room was slightly smaller with a different color of wallpaper and a different dresser. The psych tech sat silently in a chair near the door, watching Lucky in a room with dimensions of nine feet square.

Barb walked into Lucky's room and stepped over to his bed. "Where's my favorite patient?" she asked softly. Lucky turned his face toward Barb but didn't respond. He was sitting up, leaning against the headboard, and Barb sat down and drew him into a hug, rubbing his back for a minute. A few tears ran down Lucky's cheeks, and Barb wiped them off with a tissue.

"You're going to feel better," she said firmly. "We'll make sure of it. You just hang on and help us, okay?" Lucky nodded slowly and looked back down. "I'll see you tomorrow morning," she said. "Happy birthday, sweetie." Barb kissed him on the forehead and ruffled his hair, smiling. Lucky watched her leave his room and reached for his bear.

Another nurse entered the room with his dinner, setting the tray down by his bed. She motioned over to the psych tech and left the room. The tech sat beside Lucky and inserted a spoon into the mashed potatoes. He held it out to Lucky, but Lucky looked away and began crying.

"Hey, what's the matter?" John asked. "This is good stuff here. Take a few bites, and you'll see." Lucky tuned him out and stared blankly in front of him, pulling inward and separating himself from the stress of the situation. The tech gently pulled his jaw down and fed him the potatoes. Lucky went through the motion of chewing very slowly with the food in his mouth, but his gaze never shifted or showed any life, and the tears ran down his cheeks. After fifteen minutes of being fed, he fell over on his side and wept inconsolably. The tech looked at the plate and decided that half of a dinner was adequate given the circumstances.

Tony and Bobbie entered the room as Lucky was crying and looked concerned. The tech picked up the plate and said, "I'm going to take this out. You'll be with him?" They nodded, and the tech left the room.

Bobbie sat down on Lucky's bed and said, "What's wrong, Lucky?" She rubbed his back as he cried and grabbed his pillow. Bobbie gently pulled him up and continued rubbing his back as she rocked him slightly. Lucky limply hung his arms around her as he sobbed. Bobbie glanced over at Tony with a tense expression, and he waved her on, indicating he thought she was doing the right thing. After a few minutes, they separated from the hug, and Bobbie said, "We brought you some of my famous chocolate cake for your birthday, do you want some?"

Lucky accepted a tissue from Bobbie and blew his nose. "Okay," he said in a soft voice. Tony handed her the container, and she produced a small piece of cake and a plastic spoon that she handed over. While Lucky concentrated on the cake, Tony said, "We brought you a present. Happy birthday." Lucky gave Tony a small smile while he chewed. He set the remainder of the cake on the bed and reached for the brightly wrapped package. "We thought you might like an new outfit," said Tony. "I have another gift for you when you come home," he added. Lucky pulled out a red sweatsuit, suitable for his stay in the locked ward. "Thanks," he said appreciatively while he rubbed the soft, smooth fabric.

Tony leaned in and asked, "What's that there?" He pointed to the teddy bear beside Lucky. Lucky looked confused. "It was under my arm," he said vaguely. "I saw Emily's face."

Bobbie brightened. "Oh, Emily must have visited you while you were downstairs and gave you a present. Wasn't that nice of her?" Lucky continued to look stunned and worried. Tony quickly changed the subject. "Lucas says happy birthday and now you're ten years older than him, but he likes you anyway. Lulu says she hopes Lucky has a great big smile." Lucky's eyes brightened a bit, and he nodded shyly.

"Are you done?" asked Bobbie. Lucky nodded, and Bobbie quickly removed the container and spoon, handing them off to Tony. Lucky yawned, and Bobbie said, "Why don't you get under the covers and lie down, sweetheart?" She helped Lucky move on the bed, and he nestled under the covers, curled up into a ball and sighed as he gripped both his pillow and the bear. Bobbie sat for five minutes, stroking his hair and his back gently until he fell asleep.

~*~*~*~

7:00PM

Lucky was rigid with fear and apprehension when the two psych techs tried to help him to the bathroom. "You need to go to the restroom before you sleep for the night so you won't have an accident," John patiently explained. "We'll go with you, but we'll look away, alright?"

Lucky looked around wildly and dug his heels into the floor in his efforts to avoid the room. He started gasping for air as he was flooded with his memories of his suicide attempt the prior evening. All he saw was the porcelain sink accusing and threatening him, and he cried out. "Noooo," he protested loudly. "I don't want to go in there. NO!"

The two techs finally seated him in a chair and stepped off to the side to conference. "I think he's reacting to the room where he tried to hurt himself," said John. "What are we going to do?" asked the other tech. "The kid needs to go."

John squatted down in front of Lucky and looked him in the eye. "Lucky," he said calmly. "I know you don't want to go into that room because of your memories of the other night. Why don't you close your eyes for a minute. I'll help you and lead you over to the toilet. You don't have to look at anything in the room. You won't see anything. I'll be right there, and you don't have to use the sink. Craig will go find some disposable wipes that you can use to clean up for bed. Okay?"

Lucky looked panicked and desperate, but he knew that he couldn't avoid the issue, so he nodded. John pulled him up from the chair, and Lucky closed his eyes as John led him into the bathroom. Lucky froze and started breathing quickly when they reached the toilet. "Okay," said John. "Pull your sweats down and I'll lower you. You're doing fine. I'll look away, and you can go." Lucky complied, and John looked away for his privacy. When he was finished, John asked, "Ready?" Lucky answered "Yes." John led Lucky from the room and deposited him on the bed. "You did fine," he praised. "If you need someone else to help you, and I'm not there, you can ask them to do the same for you."


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