Devolution TOC

Chapter 101

Lucky lay still on his side in his darkened room in the General Hospital locked psychiatric ward. He'd been lying there for nearly two hours with his arm covering his head but was too exhausted to move. It had all come crashing down on him that morning as he'd talked to his dad. All of the emotion that he'd kept bottled up inside came rushing out like explosive bubbles from a roughly shaken can of soda pop. The anger, fear, rage and pain that he had so carefully managed had mixed and brewed together into a toxic stew that had been violently purged. Lucky's head hurt, and he felt weak and nauseous. Maybe it was the powerful sedative that still ran through his veins, or maybe it was something else, the loosening of a burden, a painful process that came with heartache and anguish. It was hard work dealing with issues and participating in therapy - much easier to let it simmer underground and stuff it down until you didn't recognize it anymore - much easier to pretend that it didn't exist. Only then, it had transformed a raging cancer that had grown and festered, sucking the very life out of his body and soul.

Lucky didn't know why he just didn't fall asleep and dream his way through this physical discomfort. He was fairly mellow, his mind not racing or playing games with him. His limbs were heavy, seemingly wet sandbags held down to the bed by stronger than normal gravity, and his body seemed pounds lighter, almost hollow. He decided to go with the flow and let his body decide what it wanted. Right now it wanted dark - and quiet, lots of quiet.

~*~*~*~

"What's up with the kid?" John asked Barb. "I stopped by to check on him, but he was on top of the bed in the dark and not very talkative."

Barb looked up from a chart. "He went to his father's sentencing at court today. His uncle said that he was able to personally visit with the father for half an hour. It was the first time they'd seen each other in person in nearly two years. Apparently the discussion was heated, and Lucky lost control. He's on anti-anxiety medication, so the drug and his emotions are wearing him out I think. He seemed pretty dazed when they returned. You're with him this afternoon?"

John nodded. "Until 6PM. He's not on suicide watch any longer, but I'm supposed to keep a close eye on him. Anything I should be concerned about?"

"His uncle is his neurologist, and he was concerned that Lucky might have a seizure later because of his emotional upset, so watch for that. Since he's on an additional medication today, he may seem dopey. That's normal. Make sure that he eats his dinner tonight. Dr. Collins has been adamant about that."

"He's leaving this week, isn't he?" John asked. "Is he ready for that?"

Barb nodded and smiled. "Yes, he certainly is, and I'm very proud of him. He's worked very hard to come to this point in his recovery. He's being discharged to a day facility here at General Hospital, so he's in transition right now."

"You've been with him since he was first admitted?" John asked.

"He was admitted on Christmas Day to be exact," Barb recalled. "He was catatonic and on a different psychiatric ward at first, but he's been with us since he woke up with a bang." Barb shook her head at the memory of Lucky attacking another nurse with his cast. "Initially, he was psychotic much of the time, totally engulfed in his fears and delusions, so you can see how very far he has progressed."

"It must be rewarding to be with the patients on a continual basis," John commented. "I'm moved around quite a bit with my schedule, so I don't see them from the beginning to the end of their treatment. I'm just the occasional day to day guy I guess."

"Yes, it's rewarding," Barb agreed. "But it has its drawbacks, too. I miss the patients after they leave. You develop a close relationship with many of them." Barb sighed. "Of course, we welcome many back more than once."

"What are Lucky's chances?" asked John. "Do you think he'll be back, too?"

Barb's face looked pensive. "I don't know," she admitted. "He has a wonderful support system, a great psychiatrist and a strong will to recover. But, his problems are serious, and he has a history of not taking his medications. Cautiously optimistic, that's me."

~*~*~*~

Lucky sighed and sat down on the toilet in the bathroom - it was the only place that he could escape from the psychiatric workers - at least for a minute until they came looking for him. They got real nervous when you were out of sight. Lucky rested his forehead on his hand. He was starting to feel freaked out about leaving the hospital. There were so many pressures. And, he had his meeting with Kevin and Nikolas tomorrow. Would it be like the meeting with his father? Lucky's stomach tightened with the thought. He hated losing control in front of people, even his family. Nikolas was different - he was his older brother, someone to whom Lucky wanted to appear mature and with it. Nikolas was a CEO of a major hospital, while Lucky was a resident of a major hospital. He knew that Nikolas didn't see him that way, but he did.

Lucky looked down at his hands as he flexed them tensely. He'd decided that Nikolas would be upset but forgiving. That was what he'd go with and stop worrying about it. Lucky's thoughts headed toward Emily. Except for the incident on the park bench, they were getting along well. Lucky felt like he could risk being more open with her about his problems and feelings, but he had no idea how she'd react to the news that he'd lost his virginity with another girl. He lightly beat his knees with his clenched fists as the tears wet his eyes.

He knew that he'd lose it if someone he loved slept with someone else. But, the longer he put off his confession, the worse it would be - he knew that. Why did he have to have sex that with Cindy girl? It's like his brain had just turned off for that brief interlude. Lucky smirked when he remembered his father's explanation about the blood flowing south from the brain. He'd been living by the moment, hanging on by a thread, and Cindy had seemed like a lifeline. Did that mean he'd used her? He wasn't sure. Maybe they'd both used each other. Lucky bit on his thumbnail and looked at it with a frown. He was tired of biting his nails all the time, tired of them bleeding. I'm going to stop doing that, he resolved as he hid the offending hand underneath his thigh.

There was a knock on the doorway to the bathroom. "How's it going?" John asked. He poked his head in the bathroom and saw Lucky sitting on top of the toilet, using it as a thinking seat. "Is everything okay?" he asked when he saw Lucky's flushed, angry face glaring at him.

"A-okay," Lucky replied shortly. "I wanted some privacy to think."

John nodded. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Take your time."

When John turned and left, Lucky waved at his back sarcastically. He looked around the white, spartan room and laughed at the simplicity of his inner sanctuary. I wonder how dad is? Lucky thought. I know I'll be able to visit with him in the new place. I'll make sure I can do it.

~*~*~*~

Lucas and Lulu had thought they'd been lucky to escape kitchen duty that night, when in reality, Tony and Bobbie wanted privacy to talk. The kitchen in this house featured a heavy wooden door that shut tightly.

Tony and Bobbie sat down at the large, oval oak table in the kitchen and discussed the day's events and their implications.

"So Lucky was pretty upset when he met with Luke?" Bobbie asked as her hand curled around the handle of her teacup.

Tony nodded and took a swig of his coffee. "He was screaming at Luke - at the top of his lungs or so it sounded. Marcus poked his head in and confirmed that everything was okay, but I was worried. Marcus said that sometimes things have to be laid out on the table, and that some families need to scream at each other like that."

Bobbie chuckled wryly. "Oh, that would be the Spencers," she stated. "Or maybe the Webbers," she added. "Luke and Laura used to carry on at each other in front of the children. Maybe the children picked that up. Lucky has always been volatile with his parents, so I suppose it's natural for him to raise his voice."

"Do you think he'll be out of control when he returns home?" Tony questioned. "I'm not used to that type of dynamic. In our home, growing up, we talked out our issues logically. No shouting matches."

Bobbie took a sip of her chamomile tea and shrugged. "I don't know, Tony. I haven't lived with Lucky since he was ten years old, and that was only for a few weeks until his parents found a house. With his mental and emotional problems, I think it's safe to assume that there might be some tense times, especially while he's trying to adjust to a new living situation." Bobbie patted Tony's hand. "Don't worry about it too much. I'm used to the dynamic. I can handle it and calm things down if they get out of hand." She shook her head as her mouth turned down sadly. "That's always been my role - the family peacekeeper."

"I've been thinking that our focuses on the children have been too sex segregated," Tony said. "It's natural that you've been more attentive with Lulu since she's a little girl and misses her mother, and then Lucky has lived with me and I'm used to having a younger brother, but I think we should be careful to interact with all family members. I need to be more involved in Lulu's activities, and you need to be more involved in Lucas' and Lucky's activities. What do you think?"

"You're right," Bobbie admitted. "I like to do the girlie things with Lulu. It's been a real pleasure to have her in my life. I missed the activities that BJ and I used to enjoy. But, it wouldn't hurt me to throw a baseball for Lucas or to listen to Lucky's accomplishments for the day. Lulu misses her father as well and could use a positive father figure in her life. You're right. We need to be more conscious of what we're doing and take a balanced approach to the family."

"Do you think that the counseling has helped Lucas and Lulu understand Lucky's illness? The kids were so confused for a long time. They kept thinking that he had a broken leg or something physically wrong with him and didn't understand why he couldn't be at home. I'm worried how they'll react if he doesn't behave as they expect him to. Lucky used to be the second father figure around the house. He often used to baby-sit Lulu. But now he needs to be watched as well. How is she going to handle that?"

"Lulu accepts that her life has changed and that her family is different now. She's very adaptable. Even the counselor mentioned that. Her personality seems to absorb the changes and move forward. Even so, we'll keep a close eye on her and talk to her about how she feels. She's comfortable expressing her concerns, so I think she'll let one of us know if she's bothered by something. Lucas is very sensitive, but a little immature. I'm worried that he'll blurt out a question or make a comment that will hurt Lucky. The counselor worked with him on controlling his behavior, but we'll have to reinforce that. As far as Lucky's illness, the counselor was able to explain it in very simple terms that they could understand. Most children can empathize with someone being afraid or upset because bad things have happened to them."

"I wish I'd been able to attend more of those sessions," Tony worried. "But my work schedule has been brutal these last few months."

Bobbie rubbed Tony's arm. "I can bring you up to speed when you have questions," she stated. "We're going to make it. It'll take some hard work, but it's worth it."

"Are you ready to be married again?" Tony asked with a smile, changing the subject to a happier topic.

Bobbie laughed. "As far as I'm concerned, I am married. But, yes, I can't wait." Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

"The honeymoon suite that I booked for us sounds wonderful," Tony said. "It's top of the line for my beautiful bride." He leaned over to give Bobbie a surprise kiss. "Come here, sweetie-pie," he said sexily as he opened his arms.

"This private kitchen is a very good thing," Bobbie teased as she sat on Tony's lap and gave him a hug. "The children are going to wonder why we never ask them to do dishes anymore."

~*~*~*~

Lucky was rocking himself as he was seated on the toilet thinking. He often became like that when he was lost in thought, as if his physical and mental processes were tied together, one reflecting the other. His desire to control his behavior around other people had also resulted in a display of nervous behaviors, a tic in his cheek or a shaking hand. The energy and anxiety had to escape somehow. If he didn't say it, then he showed it.

John looked in on Lucky for the fourth time in two hours and watched Lucky's behavior. The kid had seemed preoccupied but otherwise okay, so he'd left him alone. Now it was time for supper, and John wondered what reaction that news would elicit.

"Your dinner is here," John announced. "You missed your lunch, so you need to eat the entire dinner - doctor's orders."

Lucky scowled at him when he looked up. He'd been holding his head in his hands. "Whatever," he said in a surly tone. "I don't like hospital food."

"Pretend it's something else."

"Got any White Castle?"

"Sorry," John said, picking up on Lucky's sense of humor. "We aim to heal our patients, not kill them."

"Ha ha," said Lucky sarcastically as he rose slowly from the toilet. "Do I get a prize if I eat all of this slop?"

"What do you want? A toy car?" John teased.

"No, I'll settle for a real car," Lucky replied wistfully. "A red, 1991 Mustang to be specific."

~*~*~*~

"Jason! I can't believe you're taking me out to dinner," Emily said happily. She smoothed out her white napkin on her lap and took a sip of her water. "You're spoiling me."

Jason smiled lightly and looked down at his hands folded on top of the square wooden two-seater table. They were seated in a popular pub type restaurant with odds and ends tacked to the walls for decoration. Beside them were a 1940's license plate from Vermont and an old movie poster of Clark Gable. "I haven't had the chance to talk to you," Jason said plainly. "I miss my sister."

Emily's eyes danced. "I miss you, too."

"I have some news," said Jason. "I quit the business. I'm not working for Sonny anymore." When Emily looked alarmed, he held up his hand and smiled. "It was amicable. No problems."

"What happened?" Emily asked.

Jason sighed and looked away. "Some things went down, got me to thinking. And, I've made some changes in my personal life, so I need to settle down. I bought an import car business. We'll sell and service English and German cars in the region."

"I can't believe it," Emily exclaimed as she slapped her palm onto the table. Instantly, a confused looked crossed her face. "What changes in your personal life?" she questioned. "You're not getting married are you?"

Jason laughed, blushing slightly and running a hand over his face - obviously uncomfortable with the subject. "I don't know about marriage. It's possible."

Emily frowned. "You're not with Carly are you?" she asked, placing a negative tone on Carly's name.

Jason's face turned redder, and he ran a hand over his spiky hair. "Yes, I am," he said defensively. "She's left Sonny, and we're together now. We're going to raise Michael," he said.

Emily looked disgusted. "No way."

"Are you still dating psycho-boy?" Jason shot back.

Emily's lower lip trembled. "Don't you call him that! He's my boyfriend, and I love him."

"He's a boyfriend to you while he's in the mental institution?" Jason queried. "Why aren't you dating someone who's available?"

Emily's eyes filled with tears. "Now I remember why we haven't seen each other in a long time," she said angrily. "You're with Carly, little Miss Ferncliff, and you have the nerve to criticize my choices?"

"Carly has learned from her mistakes," Jason said. "I'm not so sure about Lucky. I don't want him to hurt you. I'm your brother, I'm concerned, that's all."

"Lucky would never hurt me!" protested Emily. Her face fell a little when she remembered their time on the park bench.

"He did some things to Carly - did he ever tell you that?" Jason asked. He continued when Emily shook her head. "It happened one night at Jake's. Carly was waiting for me to show up and decided to talk to Lucky until I got there. Emily, when I arrived at Jake's, he was all over her. He was sticking his tongue down her throat, touching her. He almost had her flat on her back on the pool table in a crowded place." Jason cleared his throat. "We got into a fight. Punches were exchanged. I told you about that, but I never told you the whole story because…well… I figured you'd ditch the loser. I thought you'd break up with him when I told you about the fight, and then when I found out he was in the hospital…"

Emily's eyes filled with tears, and they began spilling over her cheeks. She furiously wiped them away. "But Carly is his cousin. He wouldn't do something like that."

"My point exactly. He did do it, and that's what makes it even worse. Does he have any idea of how to conduct himself around a woman? I doubt it from what I saw that night. I want you to stay away from him."

Emily shook her head. "I can't do that, Jason. I love him. I'm not going to break up with him. At least not until I hear his side of the story. He's been in the hospital for awhile. He's had counseling. He's better."

Jason reached out a hand and placed it on top of Emily's. "I just want you to be careful. I don't want anything bad to happen to my favorite sister."

"Your only sister," Emily said as she tried to smile through her tears.

~*~*~*~

Luke leaned back on his new bed. It was a definite step up from Pentonville with a mattress that was inches thicker. Gone were the gray, concrete walls, replaced by ordinary plasterboard painted in a warmer beige tone. Luke sighed heavily and folded his hands behind his head. He felt every one of his fifty plus years. In one day, his conviction and sentence had been overturned and replaced with a new one, and he'd seen his beloved, emotionally volatile son face to face.

Luke reflected that he could live for the next two years on the memories of the feel of Lucky's hair and skin. Hugging his son tightly had added years to his life and filled him with hope. He still felt warmth over his heart, a healing balm. It meant the world to him that Lucky had said he loved his father and wanted to work on their relationship.

Luke hoped that Lucky was serious about trying to keep in closer contact with him. He sensed vulnerability in his son that he hadn't seen before, a dampening of his spirit and self-esteem. Lucky had always had a glorious spirit, shook with flame and mellowing to the depths and pools of sensitivity. Luke had wanted the best for his son, but at the same time, he he'd always reserved a small corner of worry for his boy. Luke wasn't sure how the world would accept someone like Lucky. Sure, his talent and intelligence had been amply rewarded over the years, but how would Lucky fare emotionally? Relationships seemed to elude him or let him down so easily. Was his sensitive son strong enough to endure what life would inevitably dish out? Little did Luke know in the days he contemplated his young son's life that the world would give Lucky much more than his share of agony to carry.

Luke had felt splintered apart into many painful pieces when he'd actually seen his son's physical scars glaring at him inches from his eyes. As rough as his own life had been, Luke couldn't imagine the thoughts and feelings that must have run through Lucky's mind as he took the knife to his arm and wrist. Maybe one day Lucky would feel comfortable enough to discuss the incident with his father, but Luke realized that that might never happen.

~*~*~*~

I start college in two months, Lucky suddenly thought with surprise as he stood in his room looking out the window. It's been over two years since I've set foot in a school. I wonder which classes I'm signed up for. I don't remember. I'm going to have to drop out of one of them. Tony said that I should carry a lighter load so that I don't get frustrated if I have to study harder because of the brain injury. He said that I could go to classes in the summers to catch up if I want to graduate on time. Lucky gazed out at the bright lights of the city and let his mind wander.

I don't have a life, he realized with a sinking feeling. Everything fell apart, got lost, broken up or thrown away. I don't even own one book. I can't run out and replace all of the yearbooks, cards, photos and memories that my dad threw away when he'd thought I died. He threw away my baseball card collection, and that was worth at least $2000. Lucky pulled on his lower lip as he thought. It's not all bad. It means I can fix what's gone wrong. I want to create my own life, a new life.

Next...

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